I have failed at keeping a diary.

I tried though. I honestly did.

In the past five months, I have filled up at least 50 pages of an exercise book with my miniscule handwriting. I wrote down the events of every day, all my grudges, crushes, bad and good vibes alike…I even added some quotes and songs in there for Lord knows who. The original purpose of that diary was to monitor my changes in mood to find out if I actually had Bi-Polar Type II or not (so far so good). But yes, I am about six weeks behind on my writing and finally conceding defeat.

The book and pen format has worked for me in the past but lately I have lacked the motivation and patience to write down every detail of my seemingly boring but annoyingly busy life when I decide to record it. I don’t want to give in to or accept my procrastination but this cycle of lying to myself that I’m going to do it can’t go on.

I have been convincing myself to start a YouTube channel since the year started but I keep making excuses. “My camera is too heavy for vlogging. You will be that sad human with 32 views. YouTube is full of unoriginal ideas,click-bait and forced personality. The only reason you’re doing it is to be like someone else and get popular. Do you REALLY want to hear yourself talking for hours every week?” I think it is time to listen to myself and try something else because hitting a dead end before I begin can’t be a good sign now can it?

At 1am in the morning as I sat on the toilet seat, happy and proud with the response I got from an interview and inspired my ‘MadeBySpencer’, I decided I need to start writing again. So I am back on the blogosphere!(that a thing?). To quote the first page of my diary before I burn it, “I’m going to try write this in the most un-annoying way.”

It is very important to me to record my life experiences. After studying Kazuo Ishiguro’s ‘Never Let Me Go’ in my Literature class, I have spent the last few weeks questioning the importance of casual life experiences if we are going to forget them anyway. Do all the seemingly unimportant things we do in our childhood somehow subconsciously affect the people we are today and the decisions we make? These thoughts were triggered by an old video I stumbled upon on my laptop of me and my old friends at the beach just laughing and cracking inside jokes. I realized that I had forgotten that moment and those jokes, and the realization brought tears to my eyes. It made me so sad that I couldn’t remember such amazing moments of my life. What then was the point of spending money and resources doing these things if we were going to forget them anyway? And there’s also the element of looking back on who I am and how far I’ve come, which is undoubtedly important. There is a huge two chunk year of my life which I really wish I had recorded in a format other than photographs (because they so easily tell a false story). I don’t want to think back on these years, not remembering the beautiful and ugly details, wishing I’d recorded them somehow.

I used to take blogging seriously as a kid (as you can see from my older posts, if I’ve had the courage to keep them after all) until my conscious teenage self kicked and realized I was embarrassing myself in public. Now, I know that because of who I am as a human being, I am always going to wear my heart out on my sleeve anyway so the element of exposure does not scare me.

I guess my goals this time round are consistency, honesty and being able to organize my thoughts in a manner that is comprehendible to others and myself. I also want to practice my writing skills, because they’ve been left ignored for far too long! You, future reader, should know that I am not particularly funny, but I try to be. And it is ever so cringe worthy.

I hope that this experience is a lot less lonely than keeping a diary. I hope I write some things that someone else out there can relate to. And I hope someone out there actually gives a hoot about my writing, that’d be fun. All the positive comments on my interview on the ‘Humans of Uganda’ Facebook page have me believing that that might actually be the case.

I’m going to let everyone in. If you low-key have a crush on me and want to know more about me, you’re in luck. I will share my quote and song of the week in a place where they can hopefully serve an actual purpose.

May my writing grow more poetic with time.

In the meantime, do check out my Instagram [ @aidahaze ]. I promise my photos are a lot better than my writing :p

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: “Your life will follow the direction of your conversation. Your courage, your discouragement and your fear comes from your conversation. Not just with others, but also with yourself.” – Tyler Perry

SONG OF THE WEEK: ‘If You Ever Want to Be in Love’ by James Bay (only one of my favorite songs of all time)

Sincerely, Aidah
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